


May It Please the Court

by bisexualamy



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (It's because she loves him), (that's always the answer), Arguing, F/M, Pepper's beginning to wonder why she puts up with him, Pre-Iron Man 3, Tony thinks he's the best at winning arguments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 06:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8045797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualamy/pseuds/bisexualamy
Summary: After Tony insists he's better at winning arguments, he comes up with a foolproof plan to prove it: hire a stenographer for two weeks to record all of their disagreements, and wait for the transcripts to prove him right.





	May It Please the Court

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea from [this prompt](http://writing-prompt-s.tumblr.com/post/150424261684/you-are-a-stenographer-professional-typist-hired) because, let's be real, it was made for Tony and Pepper.

Janet Whitman was a twenty-four year old court reporter whose main concerns were balancing Malibu rent and groceries, all while allowing herself the occasional splurge.  So, when her boss came to her with the offer of two weeks away from the office in return for a specialty paid position, she was more than curious.  When the name Tony Stark came up in conversation, her jaw nearly hit the floor.  She said yes faster than her boss could finish explaining the job, and the next day a car arrived at her door to pick up her bags and bring her to the home of Malibu’s richest resident.

The car that arrived was black and had tinted back windows.  When she got in the back, the man at the wheel introduced himself as “Happy” and said nothing else as he drove.  Janet leaned back in her seat and tapped out an irregular pattern on her thigh with her fingertips.  Admittedly, most of her anticipation stemmed from the fact that the details her boss had been able to provide about the job were vague.  Apparently, Tony Stark had just requested a stenographer who’d be willing to stay at his home in Malibu for two weeks, and said that he’d pay that person very well.  The whole setup seemed suspicious, but the curiosity (and the promise of some extra money) was too much for her to turn down such an opportunity.

The car took several twists and turns down back roads to the point where Janet lost all of her sense of direction.  Then, just as she began to wonder if Happy had gotten lost, the trees began to thin and a mansion appeared almost out of nowhere.  Its tall windows reflected the rising California sun, soaking the whole building in a shade of gold.  The car slowed in the circular drive, but Janet was so caught up in staring at the building that she didn’t notice Happy had parked until he opened the back door for her.

“Sorry,” she muttered, quickly grabbing the bag containing her stenotype machine out of the seat next to her.  She went to go to the trunk and get her suitcase, but Happy had already gotten it out and was wheeling it towards the front door.  Janet caught up to him just as he entered the PIN to open let them inside.

“Welcome,” said a voice that was almost melodic as the two of them walked inside.  Janet looked around for the source, but she didn’t have time to guess before someone answered the question for her.

“That’s JARVIS,” came a voice from up on a landing above the living room, “he runs the house.  Pretty impressive, I know.  You can save your compliments.”

Down the stairs came Tony Stark himself, dressed more casually than Janet had expected, the famous arc reactor glowing light blue in his chest.  His smile was smug at Janet’s wide eyes, but she was too busy taking in everything to notice.

“I’m Janet Whitman,” she said a little too quickly, sticking out her hand.  He shook it, still smiling, and she was just questioning whether or not that was the right thing to do when he began speak again.

“So, you’re obviously the stenographer they sent over.  We have a room set up for you.”

“Mr. Stark,” she said, “not that I’m not very interested in this job, but why do you need a live-in court reporter in the first place?  A lawyer, I’d understand, but-”

“Oh, that,” Tony said, his flippancy towards the matter evident.  “Pepper and I have a bet.”

“A… bet?” Janet asked.  It took her a moment to realize who “Pepper” was.  The new CEO of Stark Industries and, more recently, Tony Stark’s girlfriend, rarely had her name tossed around so casually.

“About who wins more arguments,” Tony continued, “so I told her that we’d hire someone to keep track.”

“Of who wins more arguments?”

“No, of the arguments themselves.  We’ll pick who wins.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“You’re here to record our arguments and transcribe them,” Tony explained, as if all of this should’ve been obvious.  “I’d have JARVIS do it, but Pepper seems to have something against me installing cameras and microphones around the house.”

“So you’re having me live here for two weeks to transcribe all of your arguments with Pepper Potts?”

“Now you’re getting it,” Tony said.  “Happy, give Jessica her bag and JARVIS will direct her to her room.”

“Actually, it’s Ja-” she tried to say, but Tony was already walking away.  Happy handed her the handle of her bag, and the disembodied voice chimed, “if you’ll take your things down the hall, Ms. Whitman, I’ll direct you.”

Janet’s gaze traveled from where Tony Stark was once standing, to the large windows overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and finally to the hallway off to her right.  Coming in, she’d had a few guesses as to what her task would be, but nothing like this.  Still, how bad could this be?

“Lead the way, JARVIS,” she said, and began to wheel her bag down the hallway.

 

 

  
A Selection from the Transcripts of Janet Whitman, recorded between the dates 9/15 and 9/29

[Recorded September 15th, 2013 at 08:12, in the kitchen]

PEPPER POTTS: [walking into the room] Tony.

TONY STARK: [drinking from a coffee mug] Mhm.

PEPPER POTTS: What was the one thing I asked you to do before we went to bed last night?

TONY STARK: [pause, smile] Stay handsome?  Really, Pepper, I couldn’t stop if I-

PEPPER POTTS: [unamused] Put your laundry away.

TONY STARK: I definitely put my laundry away.

PEPPER POTTS: Would you like to go upstairs and check?

TONY STARK: No, because I definitely did it.

PEPPER POTTS: Then what’s a full basket of laundry doing in the hallway?

TONY STARK: Beats me. Maybe JARVIS put it there.

PEPPER POTTS: Honestly, Tony, you’re a grown adult-

TONY STARK: Shouldn’t a grown adult not have to put his laundry away?

PEPPER POTTS: Tony-

TONY STARK: I mean isn’t that my freedom as an adult? As an American?

PEPPER POTTS: Just put your laundry away.

TONY STARK: I’m going to wear it soon anyway.

PEPPER POTTS: If you leave them out then your shirts will get wrinkled.

TONY STARK: I’ll iron them, then.

PEPPER POTTS: No you won’t.

TONY STARK: [long pause] 

PEPPER POTTS: You’re going to try to leave the house with a wrinkled shirt, and I’m going to stop you on your way out the door, and then someone else is going to have to iron it for you or else you’ll put a hole in it, all because you didn’t put your laundry away.

TONY STARK: [silence]

PEPPER POTTS: And adults don’t wear wrinkled shirts.

TONY STARK: [pause, then silently gets up from the table and goes upstairs]

[END TRANSCRIPT]

 

[Recorded September 18th, 2013 at 14:56, in the living room]

PEPPER POTTS: [walks in holding a magazine, which she tries to hand to TONY STARK]

TONY STARK: [looks up from his tablet] You know I don’t like being handed-

PEPPER POTTS: [continues to look at TONY STARK while holding the magazine]

TONY STARK: [takes the magazine] That’s not a bad photo of me on the cover. I think they got my good side for once. [hands the magazine back to PEPPER POTTS, smiling]

PEPPER POTTS: Tony, can you please listen to me for a moment.

TONY STARK: I don’t see what the problem is.

PEPPER POTTS: Do you know how hard it is for me to run a company when the namesake of that company is [quotes from the magazine cover] “making a splash” at a supermodel’s pool party?

TONY STARK: You know, those girls are actually very good conversational partners.

PEPPER POTTS: Tony, please-

TONY STARK: [shrugs] Nothing happened.

PEPPER POTTS: [stops] You think I’m jealous, don’t you?

TONY STARK: You’re not?

PEPPER POTTS: Tony, I can’t believe-

TONY STARK: I don’t see why you’d be this upset if you weren’t.

PEPPER POTTS: I am not jealous.

TONY STARK: Not even a little?

PEPPER POTTS: No, Tony, I’m just thinking about the future of this company-

TONY STARK: So am I! Which is why I put you in charge, allowing me to go to pool parties.

PEPPER POTTS: Well, it’s very hard to run that company when you’re appearing in tabloids next to models wearing very tiny bikinis.

TONY STARK: There’s no law against bikinis! You do that and you’d have to arrest half of Malibu.

PEPPER POTTS: I just need you to act a bit more professionally when you’re in public.

TONY STARK: How is this not professional? 

PEPPER POTTS: Do I really need to answer that?

TONY STARK: Are you shaming women for wearing bikinis?

PEPPER POTTS: Tony, please.

TONY STARK: That’s some serious internal bias, Pepper.

PEPPER POTTS: [glares at TONY STARK silently]

TONY STARK: [pause] You know, some people would argue that I’m networking.

PEPPER POTTS: Who would argue that?

TONY STARK: [pause] Me.

PEPPER POTTS: [laughs] Oh really? Did you make any worthwhile connections?

TONY STARK: Depends on your definition. I did find out where they got their delicious hor d'oeuvres from, and really, what would be more important at your next fundraising event than Malibu’s best tiny hotdogs?  Check and mate, Pepper.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

 

[Recorded September 21st, 2013 at 23:07, in TONY STARK’s workroom]

PEPPER POTTS: [calling out while walking down the stairs towards the workroom] Tony! Are you down there?

TONY STARK: [silence]

PEPPER POTTS: Tony! [arrives at the workroom to see TONY STARK with his back to her, looking at one of JARVIS’ digital displays] Tony, do you know what time it is?

TONY STARK: [still keeping his back turned] JARVIS, what time is it?

JARVIS: It is 11:07 PM, sir.

TONY STARK: That’s earlier than I expected. Honestly, Pepper, I don’t expect you down here until at least after midnight.

PEPPER POTTS: When was the last time you ate something?

TONY STARK: I’m pretty sure I had a bag of chips recently.

PEPPER POTTS: Tony!

TONY STARK: It was a big bag, don’t worry.

PEPPER POTTS: Do you even know when your last meal was?

TONY STARK: Sure.

PEPPER POTTS: When, Tony?

TONY STARK: This morning. Tell her, JARVIS.

JARVIS: Mr. Stark, I regret to inform you that two cups of coffee does not constitute a meal.

PEPPER POTTS: JARVIS, when did Tony really last eat?

JARVIS: Almost twenty-four hours ago, and sir, I must remind you that a two hour nap at one of your work tables has been your only rest in-

TONY STARK: [cutting off JARVIS] That’s enough from you.

PEPPER POTTS: Tony, stop what you’re doing and look at me!

TONY STARK: [hesitates but turns around to face PEPPER POTTS]

PEPPER POTTS: You need to take care of yourself.

TONY STARK: I do take care of myself.

PEPPER POTTS: You’re not superhuman. You need to eat and sleep just like the rest of us.

TONY STARK: You know, someone should really fix that.

PEPPER POTTS: Tony, please! This is serious.

TONY STARK: I am being serious. Someone should seriously fix that. Imagine how much more we could get done as a society if-

PEPPER POTTS: You’re avoiding the subject.

TONY STARK: I am not.

PEPPER POTTS: Then take a break and sleep.

TONY STARK: I’ll be up soon.

PEPPER POTTS: I don’t believe you.

TONY STARK: [mock offended] When have I ever given you reason to doubt-

PEPPER POTTS: You really can’t take anything seriously-

TONY STARK: I’m always taking serious things seriously.

PEPPER POTTS: [raises her voice] -and this is serious! [takes a forced breath] At least eat something. We can order pizza.

TONY STARK: The pizza here is crap.

PEPPER POTTS: Chinese, then.

TONY STARK: Pepper-

PEPPER POTTS: [curtly] Tony, please.

[silence]

TONY STARK: …can I have both the fortune cookies?

PEPPER POTTS: Yes.

TONY STARK: And we’ll get the thin rice noodles instead of the regular ones?

PEPPER POTTS: Yes.

TONY STARK: [pause] Alright, JARVIS, close up for the night.

JARVIS: Right away, sir.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

 

[Recorded September 24th, 2013 at 18:35, in the living room]

PEPPER POTTS: [enters the living room holding a mechanical object about an inch tall, squirming in her grip] Tony, can you tell me what I just found in our bathroom?

TONY STARK: [stands up from the couch and takes the object out of PEPPER POTTS’ hand] Nothing.

PEPPER POTTS: Is this yours?

TONY STARK: It’s nothing.

PEPPER POTTS: Tony…

TONY STARK: I might’ve just been playing around with miniaturized AI systems downstairs-

PEPPER POTTS: And?

TONY STARK: [quickly] -and a batch just happened to get loose around the house. [begins to walk away but to is stopped by PEPPER POTTS]

PEPPER POTTS: How many is “a batch.”

TONY STARK: [mutters] Twenty. 

PEPPER POTTS: [about to say something]

TONY STARK: [louder, more quickly] But it’s fine, really, Pepper.  They’re a very primitive artificial intelligence. At most they knows how to navigate around the house without bumping into walls.

PEPPER POTTS: When were you planning on telling me this?

TONY STARK: [silence]

PEPPER POTTS: You weren’t planning on telling me at all, were you?

TONY STARK: It was going to work itself out.

PEPPER POTTS: Tiny robots don’t just work themselves out!

TONY STARK: It’s not a big deal. Just think of them as very expensive bugs.

PEPPER POTTS: I don’t want bugs in the house any more than I want tiny robots!

TONY STARK: Personally, if given the choice, I’d go for the tiny robots.

PEPPER POTTS: Tony…

TONY STARK: I can have JARVIS look into rounding them up.

PEPPER POTTS: Thank you.

TONY STARK: But you have to agree that this is truly an infestation from the future.

PEPPER POTTS: Tony!

TONY STARK: All I’m saying is, everything you advertise about Stark Industries bringing the world futuristic experiences is true on every level.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

 

[Recorded September 28th, 2013 04:23, in their bedroom]

TONY STARK: [trying to sneak into the room without waking up PEPPER POTTS]

PEPPER POTTS: [wakes up anyway] Tony? [after a moment with no response she turns on the lamp to see TONY STARK in the doorway, cut up and bruised] Tony! [tries to get out of bed]

TONY STARK: [stops PEPPER POTTS from getting up] Really, Pepper, I’m fine.

PEPPER POTTS: This isn’t fine! Does this look fine to you, Tony? Look at the state you’re in-

TONY STARK: Pepper, please-

PEPPER POTTS: Don’t do that! Don’t ‘Pepper, please’ me! Don’t act like I shouldn’t be concerned, I mean, how could I not be concerned? [trails off looking while still looking at TONY STARK]

[PEPPER POTTS and TONY STARK say nothing for a minute]

PEPPER POTTS: I have tried to be understanding of this. I have tried to support you with how you’re trying to make amends or make the world better, but I can’t stay up at night wondering what state you’re going to be in when you come home, if you come home at all-

TONY STARK: [sits down on the bed, grimacing as he does, and puts an arm around PEPPER POTTS’ waist]

PEPPER POTTS: [leans her head on TONY STARK’s shoulder]

[Another minute of silence]

TONY STARK: You can’t get rid of me that easily. You know that.

PEPPER POTTS: There are ways to lose you besides you not coming home.

TONY STARK: [silence]

PEPPER POTTS: Every time you leave it’s like you’re walking straight into a warzone. Do you know how scared that makes me?

TONY STARK: [more silence]

PEPPER POTTS: Haven’t you ever considered that this is the source of your nightmares? Did you never consider that this has a cost? I don’t care if you’re Iron Man and the world thinks you’re invincible, you’re not. You can get hurt. You can- [she cuts herself off]

[Another mutual pause]

TONY STARK: I’d like to go to bed now. Can we not talk about this in the morning?

PEPPER POTTS: [sighs] Did JARVIS already make sure that you don’t have a concussion?

TONY STARK: He looked me over as soon as I came in.

PEPPER POTTS: [shakes her head] You’re off the hook for now, but if this ever happens again-

TONY STARK: It won’t.

PEPPER POTTS: I know you love delivering the impossible, but don’t make promises you can’t keep.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

 

Once the two weeks were over, Tony and Pepper had a stack of transcripts over thirty pages high.  Tony’s original plan was to go through and reread them, annotating them to show Pepper how many times he’d been right, but as they began to sort through everything, he came to a realization.  It wasn’t that Pepper had actually won the bet; that ended up being “too subjective to decide.”  It was instead the conclusion that listening to Pepper was probably a good thing.  Though he wouldn’t admit it outright, she did have a tendency towards being correct.  Most importantly, however, he came to the conclusion that having someone around for two weeks to record every discussion he had with his girlfriend was definitely more weird than it ever was helpful.  And, as for Janet Whitman, after two weeks with Tony and Pepper, she took the best and most well-deserved vacation of her life.


End file.
